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THE 25 RULES OF FLYING

  1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
  4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
  5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep The pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided With the sky.
  8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' Landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle Of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
  12. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going Hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  13. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
  14. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible
  15. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's Not subject to appeal.
  16. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  17. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
  18. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
  19. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to Five minutes earlier.
  20. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  21. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the Number of take offs you've made.
  22. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
  23. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  24. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round And round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
  25. When in doubt, take the train. They may crash more, but they don't have to fall before they do!

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..."


Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. 
The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat."
Santa responded, "With all due respect, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go."
As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger.
Santa asked, "What's the shotgun for?"
To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."


Why Airplanes Are Better than Women

  • An airplane will kill you quick . . . a woman takes her time.
  • Airplanes like to do it inverted.
  • Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
  • An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
  • An airplane does not object to a pre-flight inspection.
  • Airplanes come with manuals.
  • Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
  • You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
  • Airplanes don't have parents.
  • Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
  • Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
  • When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
  • Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy
  • airplane magazines.
  • If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it.
  • It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane.

Captain's Rules

Note that:

  1. The CAPTAIN always make THE RULES.
  2. THE RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
  3. No CO-PILOT can possibly know all THE RULES.
  4. If the CAPTAIN suspects the CO-PILOT knows all THE RULES, he must immediately change some, or all.

THE RULES

  • The CAPTAIN is never wrong.
  • If the CAPTAIN is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the CO-PILOT did or said wrong. The CO-PILOT must apologize immediately for causing such misunderstanding.
  • The CAPTAIN may change his mind at any time. The CO-PILOT must never change his mind without the express written consent of the CAPTAIN.
  • The CAPTAIN has every right to be angry or upset at any time. The CO-PILOT must remain calm at all times unless the CAPTAIN wants him to be angry and/or upset.
  • The CO-PILOT is expected to mind read at all times.
  • The CAPTAIN is ready when he is ready. The CO-PILOT must be ready at all times.
  • Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in Bodily harm.
  • The CO-PILOT who doesn't abide by THE RULES is grounded.
    -- Wellemans Thierry

The Copilot

I am the copilot. I sit on the right.
It's up to me to be quick and bright;
I never talk back for I have regrets,
But I have to remember what the Captain forgets.

I make out the Flight Plan and study the weather,
Pull up the gear, stand by to feather;
Make out the mail forms and do the reporting,
And fly the old crate while the Captain is courting.

I take the readings, adjust the power,
Put on the heaters when we're in a shower;
Tell him where we are on the darkest night,
And do all the bookwork without any light.

I call for my Captain and buy him cokes;
I always laugh at his corny jokes,
And once in awhile when his landings are rusty
I always come through with, "By gosh it's gusty!"

All in all I'm a general stooge,
As I sit on the right of the man I call "Scrooge";
I guess you think that is past understanding,
But maybe some day he will give me a landing.

Keith Murray


Flying is 3 things:
Speed, Altitude and Brains - at any given time you must have 2 out of the 3


I started to get worried when the autopilot grabbed the only parachute and vacated the plane


When I die I want to go peacefully, like my uncle, quietly in his sleep, not screaming in terror like his passengers.


Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


One fine hot Summer's afternoon saw a Cessna 150 flying in the pattern at a quiet country airfield. The Instructor was getting quite bothered with the student's inability to maintain altitude in the thermals and was getting impatient at sometimes having to take over the controls. Just then he saw a twin engine Cessna 5,000ft above him and thought "Another 1,000 hrs of this and I qualify for that twin charter job! Aaahh.. to be a real pilot.. going somewhere!"

The Cessna 402 was already late and the boss told him this charter was for one of the Company's premier clients. He'd already set MCT and the cylinders didn't like it in the heat of this Summer's day. He was at 6,000ft and the winds were now a 20kt headwind. Today was the 6th day straight and he was pretty damn tired of fighting these engines. Maybe if he got 10,000ft out of them the wind might die off... geez those cylinder temps! He looked out momentarily and saw a B737 leaving a contrail at 33,000ft in the serene blue sky. "Oh man" he thought, "My interview is next month. I hope I just don't blow it! Outa G/A, nice jet job, above the weather...no snotty passengers to wait for.. aahhh."

The Boeing 737 bucked and weaved in the heavy CAT at FL330 and ATC advised that lower levels were not available due traffic. The Captain, who was only recently advised that his destination was below RVR minimums had slowed to Long Range Cruise to try and hold off a possible inflight diversion, and arrange an ETA that would helpfully ensure the fog had lifted to CATII minima. The Company negotiations broke down yesterday and looked as if everyone was going to take a damn pay cut. The F/O's will be particularly hard hit as their pay wasn't anything to speak of anyway. Finally deciding on a compromise between LRC and turbulence penetration, the Captain looked up and saw Concorde at Mach 2+. Tapping his F/O's shoulder as the 737 took another bashing, he said "Now THAT'S what we should be on... huge pay ... super fast... not too many routes... not too many legs...above the CAT... yep! What a life...!"

FL590 was not what he wanted anyway and considered FL570. Already the TAT was creeping up again and either they would have to descend or slow down. That damn rear fuel transfer pump was becoming unreliable and the F/E had said moments ago that the radiation meter was not reading numbers that he'd like to see. Concorde descended to FL570 but the radiation was still quite high even though the NOTAM indicated hunky dory below FL610. Fuel flow was up and the transfer pump was intermittent. Evening turned into night as they passed over the Atlantic. Looking up, the F/O could see a tiny white dot moving against the backdrop of a myriad of tars. "Hey Captain" he called as he pointed. "Must be the Shuttle." The Captain looked for a moment and agreed. Quietly he thought how a Shuttle mission, while complicated, must be the-be-all-and-end-all in aviation. Above the crap, no radiation problems, no damn fuel transfer problems... aaah. "Must be a great way to earn a buck."

Discovery was into its 27th orbit and perigee was 200ft out from nominated rendezvous altitude with the commsat. The robot arm was virtually U/S and a walk may become necessary. The 200ft predicted error would necessitate a corrective burn and Discovery needed that fuel if a walk was to be required. Houston continually asked what the Commander wanted to do but the advice they proffered wasn't much help. The Commander had already been 12 hours on station sorting out the problem and just wanted 10 minutes to himself to take a leak. Just then a mission specialist, who had tilted the telescope down to the surface for a minute or two, called the Commander to the scope. "Have a look at this Sir, isn't this the kinda flying you said you wanted to do after you finish up with NASA?" The Commander peered through the telescope and cried "Ooooohhhhh yeah! Now THAT'S flying! Man, that's what its all about! Geez I'd give my left leg just to be doing THAT down there!"

What the Discovery Commander was looking at was a Cessna 150 in the pattern at a quiet country airfield on a nice bright sunny afternoon.

Boy, I'll tell you... pilots are never happy unless they are drinking beer and looking for a better job!


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