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LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time check!"
Tower:  "It's Tuesday, Sir."

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

The following conversation took place at Zurich Airport recently:

Morning: Take-off RWY 28 Landing RWY 16, alternate 14:

Tower: Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28
Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks)
30 seconds later:
AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes

meanwhile: Rwy 16 had a 737 with a flat, Rwy 14 was very busy, so a 767 from Cincinnati was rerouted to land on Rwy 28. The Crew of the 767 had been in the air for 8 hours.

Tower: Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 2 miles!
AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds...
DL104: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll fuck you from behind!
AZ194 took of like the space shuttle...

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Control, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (pause) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (pause) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (another pause) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."

Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your call sign !"
Pilot: "I'm not silly..."

Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?"
Pilot: "Leipzig, as always on Monday"
Tower: "But today is Tuesday !"
Pilot: "What!? We have the day off on Tuesday!"

Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

Tower: "Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway."
Pilot: "Roger. We'll check the car on the runway."

Tower: "Flamingo 019, do you have a "Springbock" in sight, twelve o'clock five miles crossing from left to right ?"
Pilot: "If you mean a 737...?"
Tower: "Yeah, you got it, you got it !"

Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."

Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!

Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop) : Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?

Tower: "Height and position please?"
Pilot: "Well, I'm six foot and am sitting at the front of the plane on the left hand side"

Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery:

German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back.
GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156  direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.
Tower: "Cannot read you, say again!"
Pilot: "Again!"

This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower:  Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std:    "What should I do?  What should I do?"
Inst:   "What do you think you should do?"
Std:    "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst:   "That's a good idea."
(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower:  Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std:    "What should I do?  What should I do?"
Inst:   "What do you think you should do?"
Std:    "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst:   "That's a good idea."
Std:    Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower:  Roger XXX, hold your position.  Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower:  Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.

Purportedly real transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...
San Jose Tower:  American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

(Heard on the radio - really)
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower:  "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!!  Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany.  It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rheine-Main. The conversation went something like this:
Cont:  "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R.  You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot:  "Rogo', Frankfurt.  We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."
Cont (a few moments later):  "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot:  "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont:  "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"
Cont:  "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

Tower: "12345, are you a Cessna?"
12345: "No.... I am a male Hispanic."

Tower:  "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."
Solo Student Pilot: "Roger"  (Continues descent.)
Tower:  "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
Student:  "Roger"  (Continues descent.)
Tower: (Screaming)  "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
Student: "Roger"  (Continues descent.)
So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it,  and continues on to the taxiway.

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