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An airliner took off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD...!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it onto my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time!"


Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual complaints/problems, generally known as Squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots’ squawks.

P = Problem logged by the pilot.
S = Solution and action taken by the engineer.

P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P - Something loose in the cockpit
S - Something tightened in cockpit.

P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder

P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descend.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed

P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.

P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That’s what there are there for!

P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you’re right.

P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to “Straighten Up, Fly Right, and Be Serious.”

P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.

P - Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S - Took hammer away from midget.

P - Clock unserviceable
S - Small knurled knob bottom right hand corner of clock turned clockwise 25 times – clock serviceable.

P - World distorted through windshield
S - Rotated world once

P - Fuel leak under right tank cell
S - Leak normal
P - (after next flight) no leak under left cell tank!

P - Spider web in windshield wiper motor
S - Spider web checked within limits.


This one really happened - the FE was suspended:
On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane. On one flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm.  When the plane came in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on.  Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a hairy arm!  So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the controls!!!


 "The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:"

  1. Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
  2. Join our frequent near-miss program.
  3. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
  4. Noisy engines?  We'll turn 'em off!
  5. Complimentary champagne in free-fall.
  6. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
  7. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
  8. You think it's so easy, get your own damn plane!
  9. Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
  10. Delta: We might be landing on your street!
  11. Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
  12. Bring a bathing suit.
  13. So that's what these buttons do!
  14. Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
  15. Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."


Airline Cadet to Captain: Sir, I'm told that you guys get laid absolutely anytime you want.
Captain: Well son, let me think, ahh... , the last time I got laid was 1956.
Cadet: God, you must be getting desperate!
Captain: Naw, not yet, it's only 2200 now.


As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual advice about seat belts and so on, concluding: "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while captain Judith Campbell and her crew take you safely to your destination."
Ed, sitting in the eighth row, looks up in astonishment. "Did I hear right? The captain's a woman?" he asks himself.
When the attendant comes by with the drinks cart, Ed asks if it's true.
"Yes, indeed," says the attendant, "in fact, the entire crew is female."
"My God," says Ed, "in that case you'd better give me a double scotch. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing Sir," says the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."


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